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Issue No. 35
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Red’s Bar Gazette
No Lies – Just the TRUTH

Letters from the Field
Shalom faithful Red's Bar Gazette readers!

I hope this finds you happy, healthy, wealthy and wise! I am writing to you from sunny Phnom Penh, Cambodia with a light spirit and even lighter lower gastrointestinal tract. I ate something evil, it set up shop in my guts and then my body went medieval on it and tried to expel it with the human body's equivalent of tear gas; which is to say violently painful diarrhea and barfing followed by an inhumanely high fever! Anyway...that's over, all is well again. Why did I start with that?? Sorry!

Since I last laid eyes on you, devoted readers, my first husband and I have been having a pretty wild adventure! We've covered some new ground in SE Asia, mainly Cambodia and several new islands in Southern Thailand. We also had a lovely evening sleeping on a dusty floor with dozens of other weary travelers in the Kuala Lumphur, Malaysia airport. The discount airline wing of that particular airport is nothing short of a shit hole. Don't under any circumstances think killing six hours in the middle of the night before your early morning flight is a good idea. Thank little baby Jesus we bought some over-the-counter Valium in Cambodia or we may have turned on each other. Which, as we all know, is the beginning of the end....

We started our journey in Phnom Penh in late January because my first brother-in-law, Adam has a factory here. He owns Montana Fly Company and he has many of the flies tied here. The factory and their house is a four story building with two floors of adorable and sweet Cambodians diligently tying all manners of "wooly buggers" or salmon flies or crazy, wild colored I-don't-know-whats. Its bizarre seeing elk hides and rooster hackles from Montana being transformed into beautiful little flys then sent back into the world. They smile and giggle every time we go up or down the stairs and say, "Hellloooooh!" It's kind of like a commune here. Every day 200 workers file in and tie flies. Three Thai managers live here plus Adam and his fiancé and a kid from Dillon, Montana. Phnom Penh is pretty cool, but it is as hot as Satan's scrotum at the moment.

Last time we were here, we happened upon a little cafe that sold "happy shakes." We ordered lunch, some margaritas and one happy shake (just to see what would happen! We're honeymoonin'!). Sure enough the Tuk Tuk ride home was surreal and when we got home we laughed our brains off about everything for a good four hours. Neither my first husband (let's call him Chris from now on), nor I are big pot smokers. But this was a hoot. I suggest all of you buy some weed blend it up into a mixed fruit smoothie and see the sparks fly! We came up with some comedy gold, you just may too! Not to expose the Red's Bar Wednesday Afternoon Grass Club (index finger on nose) you know who you are, (Rhymes with Spike Shelean, No Noriarty, Nina Scampbell and Boobarb) I think you should come as a group to Cambodia and try out a shake. What a fun trip that would be! (Literally and figuratively!!!) You can also order "happy pizza" with the "happy" on top OR "happy" on the side, in which case they staple a bag of weed to the inside lid of the pizza box. And they deliver EVERYTHING. We ordered a bottle of tequila from a Mexican restaurant the other night. We are pretty sure the delivery driver took a swig on his way over because it was opened and few shots shy. What are you gonna do? It was ten bucks....

We hit the beaches in southern Cambodia and they are marvelous. Little cabanas for $20 a night on the beach with amazing food for super cheap ($5 tops for dinners) and pristine waters. If you can get here and spend a little time, the savings are in the accommodation and food- so cheap!

But it hasn't be all uppers, downers, booze, wine, women and song. We've gone on an elephant trek--- and I would be remiss if I didn't mention the size of an elephant's penis. Oh. My. God...It comes out when they have to pee and we happen to be behind one who was doing just that and.... Let's just say I know where the term "swinging dick" comes from. But the elephants were so awesome. Gentle giants. I felt bad for them carting people around all day.

We hiked around the ancient temple Angkor Wat. Amazing. Sadly it was over Chinese New Year so there were a gazillion Chinese tourists. AN old Chinese woman elbowed Chris in the ribs to get past him. We both almost hyperventilated. It was like Hitchcock's "The Birds!" We had to get outta there!

Cambodia is a little raw and tough to watch sometimes. They have a tragic not so distant past being crushed under Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge. There are many people begging, dragging themselves on the sidewalk with one or no legs. Lots of dirty little kids without shoes begging or carting around a box of books or crap to sell. And these kids are adorable and I just want to take them home, give them a bath and feed and hug them. One little guy sold me some flowers then asked if he could have the scrap of meat left on my plate. He was maaaaybe five years old. Kills me. But then there was a "little person" (as in dwarf...what are we calling them these days??) anyway, she was in a wheelchair selling crap so I bought some postcards because I felt sad for her and the next day we drove by her and she was chatting away on her iphone5 soooooo..... I dunno. But the kids and the land mine victims really bum me out.

Everywhere in Asia people ride scooters or motorbikes and they manage to carry the craziest amount of stuff and people. It's the family car and it is not uncommon at all to see Mom, two kids, and Dad holding a baby like the Heisman trophy driving with one hand all the while balls deep in insane traffic. We saw three ladies on a scooter holding a basket with three live chickens, then a few minutes later another scooter with two people and two clear lawn and leaf size plastic bags full of whole raw chickens and then on a different scooter, two dudes transporting an SUV size windshield. It's crazy. But they know how to get shit done. How many times do you hear in Montana, "can I borrow your truck, I have to move something..." Get a buddy and use your mountain bike, you lazy Hippie! Get creative!

Anywaaaaay, we saw some pretty hilarious stuff in the Thai islands. Did most of the journey on a gorgeous and very mellow island called Koh Lanta and acted like adults--having a few beers, playing cards, bed by ten...Then we popped over to Koh Phi Phi (pronounced pee pee) and it was a holy shit show of 20 something backpackers from all over the world partying their faces off! Some of the best people watching of my life. Everyone was half-dressed, glossy-eyed and ready to make bad decisions. Many of these decisions landed them at one of the MANY clinics in the windy little streets. Seemed like every other person had a part of their body wrapped in gauze. There were fire shows every night, which they fully encouraged the drunk foreigners to participate in, completely waaaaaaaaasted. (I'm guessing the gauze was for burns) We came out relatively unscathed. I double dutched with ropes that were on fire and burned my hair. Chris did some kind of deep squat dance and ripped his pants from waistband to hem, and wasn't wearing underwear. Two days of that and we were outta there.

So this is dragging on a bit. Life is back to normal kind of. Chris has been working a lot from his computer and Alan is holding down the fort in China. I have been helping him with his work and by helping I mean making him lunch, telling him he's doing a "really good job!" and just doing all that generally positive reinforcing first-wife stuff. We have a place to stay in Northern Thailand, but we only have tourist visas for one month so we have to fly somewhere else for a few days which is why we popped into Kuala Lumphur and why we are now back in Cambodia. It's back to Thailand Monday until the end of April and then we have to go to China for real. Ugh. The honeymoon is almost over.....

Miss you guys and gals. We had drinks the other night at bar called Red, because I insisted. It wasn't the same. :-(

Love you.

Linda Lindsay Henderson Beaver Trina Jingle Heimer Schmidt

 
Issue No. 34
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Red’s Bar Gazette
No Lies – Just the TRUTH

LETTER TO THE EDITOR #2

This letter is in response to the August issue of the Red’s Bar Gazette. This issue was about two women who were said to be scandalously desperate for male attention based on a text message that was sent to the office of the gazette. The text message sent late one weekend night did happen, but it contents were obviously not meant to be taken literally. It seems that the message excited the receiver giving him false hope, and for that we are sorry. Somehow this harmless joke got escalated into a hopeful reality in the receivers mind. Until now the Red’s Bar Gazette has been a fairly creditable source for news. It strives itself on being truthful having the tagline “No Lies - Just the Truth”. Does the gazette know that there is a connection between truth and reality? Fiction is not real. To be fictitious in their claims is not being truthful. But with a text message so ridiculous in its humorous nature, how could anyone see it as reality? Did this misinterpretation happen solely on the receiver’s wishful thinking? Is he so deprived of sexual attention that he created this fantasy? Is he just delusional? We sure hope he isn’t delusional, but with such a scandalous story created from so little, we wonder if the writer needs a sabbatical to rethink what is the truth and what is reality. “No Lies- Just the Truth”, we’re not so sure anymore.

 
Issue No. 33
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Red’s Bar Gazette
No Lies – Just the TRUTH

In the long history of the Gazette with our thousands of readers and subscribers, we have received very few complaints and just one letter to the editor, but we received a picture text to our office late Friday night that reached a new low. The letter to the editor was written by Pat Ricci. It was a syntax abused and misspelled diatribe that was critical of some of our past Gazettes that may have involved him. His letter was published promptly in the Gazette, we dealt with him directly and we have not heard back from him since.

We have also been offered beer bribes from Andy to keep his name out of the Gazette, we have accepted his beer bribes and have tried ever since to put his name in every Gazette possible.

But Friday night, the picture text we received from two young women set a new standard for how desperate some people are to be featured in our newspaper. These two women were offering unique sexual services if they would be featured in one of our upcoming issues. After a long and exhaustive study, the Gazette has learned that both of these women no longer have boyfriends that live in Missoula. Upon further review, the ex boyfriend in Washington said he could not keep up with her voracious sexual appetite while the other boyfriend moved to the oil fields in North Dakota to get some peace and quiet, stating that he could not keep up with her insatiable sexual demands. Now it seems that these two sisters will go to any lengths to satisfy their lack of sexual activity. Patrons of Reds Bar, irregardless of age, should be on the lookout for these two blond haired vixens!!!

STAY TUNED

 
Issue No. 32
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Red’s Bar Gazette
No Lies – Just the TRUTH

The Gazette attended the funeral celebration of Kent Shaffer a couple of weeks ago and Kent had compiled a list that indicated that you may be a Northsider if you did the following things and it was very humorous and true. The Gazette has compiled their own list, but rather than being a Northsider, it will state that you may be a Reds Bar regular if:
You know which bar stool is George Richters
You have seen Ryan eat two big lunches in an hour
You have heard Rock tell a lie three days in a row
You can remember when Andy wore shorts
You know What Northside Kool-Aid is and who drinks it
You have heard Bondo abuse Tiger Woods
You have seen Big Ben drink at least ten different beers
You can remember when Otis came into the bar alone
You know all of Macys ten favorite NFL teams
You know that stool number four is for Ray Kolar only
You have seen CJ change his Chicago outfits twice in one day
You have seen Ricci in the bar without clothes
You have ordered Jimmy Johns at the bar at least ten times
You have had to ask Von at least 3 or 4 times to get some peanuts
You have bought several shorties for Schatzie
You can call Stubby Jeff and get away with it
You have got into an argument with Mo in the last month
And finally, you may be a Reds Bar Regular if Mike Helean has actually poured you a drink!!!!

STAY TUNED

 
 
Issue No. 31
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Red’s Bar Gazette
No Lies – Just the TRUTH

“THE FAST IS OVER!”

A long and loyal patron of Reds broke his 20 year fast last Sunday afternoon. This gentleman had not eaten a peanut, a kernel of popcorn, a slice of pizza, a Jimmy Johns sandwich or any of the delicious food that Joan Shaffer has prepared over the years. In the past, patrons of the bar have implored, begged, suggested and demanded that he eat something and he has steadfastly refused all of their requests. The reason for his fast is unknown. Some have speculated that it was a protest against basketball officials or referees in general. Others have contended that he only eats his mothers cooking. Whatever the reason, the fast has been broken! Just like the Garden of Eden, the culprit in this case is an apple, and the devil in this story is the beautiful temptress known as Krysta. Krysta offered this gentleman a slice of apple and he politely refused. Then she said, how would you like a little cinnamon on it and again he refused. The devil works in mysterious ways and doesn’t give up easily and in this case Krysta suggested a shot of Fireball over the apple slices and he gladly accepted and promptly ate the remaining apples and the fast was broken! This drink is now called “The Northside Fruit Plate” and has been in high demand over the last several days.

The Gazette would like to offer a safety tip for all of their fine readers. In the rare event that you are faced with a do or die situation, please call 911! However, while talking to the dispatcher, ask them to send everybody but Ethan! The sports desk at the Gazette has been following Ethan’s trap shooting scores and they have been abysmal and getting worse! In the unlikely event you or your family is in a dire situation, you would be much better off without his services if gunplay is involved!

STAY TUNED

 
 
A Letter From Lindsay
Aloha from wacky China!!!

Here is my China report: It's pretty crazy here. Not totally whacked out or anything, just...kooky. Hong Kong is super cool. Everyone speaks Engrish, lots of snappy dressing (clothes, not salad), there's so much to see and it's just super cosmopolitan. But we live on mainland China which is a little different. We're on the 27th floor of a 50 story high rise in a gated community on the sea. It's a super ex pat community with lots of shops and restaurants aimed at to please foreigners. There's lots of white people, but you have to listen closely to which language they're speaking to figure out if they're Brazilian or British or French or something else. I think we thought these ex pats would be all "Hey! You're new in town! Would you like to be friends??" but that hasn't really happened. We joined a gym a few blocks from our house and we're taking MMA classes at night which is fun. Although Chris is really big and strong, he has no idea what he's doing so it's pretty funny. I made a friend at class named Patricia. SHe's been taking us out and showing us around. She and I partner up in class but she weighs about 98lbs so it's hard to actually grapple with her, plus she just wants to talk and screw around. But I'm glad she comes to class. Our MMA coach is from Australia. We're not quite sure if he's full of shit or not. Within minutes of meeting us he told us he was a World Champion Thai Boxer in Thailand for over a decade, a World Champion in the early days of MMA, and that he was held and tortured in a Cambodian prison for 6 months. We're pretty sure he was high as a kite at last nights practice. But hey! It gives us something to do!

Here are a few things I've noticed about Chinese people. They DO NOT, as a nation, cover their mouths when they sneeze.I've seen it so many times! I saw a guy coat a tea baller he was holding at Ikea with a man-sized sneeze and then casually put it back. They don't hold back with any bodily functions actually. Last night a man hocked a loogie millimeters from my feet as we passed each other on the street. They will spit ANYWHERE, elevators, restaurant floors... And smoking! People smoke in elevators, cell phone stores and of course bars and restaurants except for nice places like malls and fancy restaurants. Certain boys like to grow out their fingernails, like longer than I've ever dreamed of growing mine, like super creepy. The guys we took our iphones to to unlock them so we can use them in CHina all had long fingernails and one gentleman had two gigantic moles on his neck with 5 or 6 four inch long hairs coming out of them. So gross. And they will run you over. OUr taxi driver cut into oncoming traffic and laid on the horn and nearly plowed through a mother and her small child. Pedestrians are not at the top of the food chain like the US. They are bottom feeders.

We have a cleaning lady named Lisa that comes to our house every day for four hours except Sunday. She does our laundry, makes the beds and makes us super yummy lunches. She gets paid $4 and hour. I live with three dudes so she is a dream to have around.

We took a cab to Walmart and it was the most insane Walmart I have ever been to, obviously. You can buy live frogs and turtles--- to eat. The "meat section" is full of unspeakable things. But I took pictures so I'll send them when I get them off Chris's phone.

Let's see what else.... We have a really nice apartment and cable tv. We get a lot of english channels and somehow our roommate knows how to download EVERYTHING you can think of. I made the boys watch Magic Mike the other night. SO good.

FOOD here is rad. And cheap. I have loved everything except for the wacky gelatin egg thing that smelled like fish socks. I am not sure what I'm eating a lot of the time, but it is probably better that way. I bought some raw bacon at the store and part of it still had hair on it. I almost puked. But it made me realize what I was eating. Beer is cheap at the CHinese restaurants Tsingtao is only 50 cents for a tall bottle.

Massages are cheap. $12 for a two hour foot and full body massage! We all go together and sit in these big plush recliners and the girls come in and soak our feet and rub our necks. The guys got their feet shaved last time and again I almost barfed. It looked like the parmesan cheese grater at the olive garden. They called in the "specialists", guys with headlamps and tool boxes to do the feet shaving. And we sent someone out to bring us beer!

Which reminds me! We can get McDonalds and Pizza Hut delivered 24 hours for free. There's guys on bikes with these giant boxes strapped to their backs that haul it up the elevator at anytime. We also get most of our groceries delivered. We just go online and mark what we want and they bring it right over. So weird....

Anyway, I'm tired of typing. I'll write more later. Hope everyone is doing great. Go GRIZ!

Miss you all,

xoxox

Lindsay

 
 
Issue No. 30
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Red’s Bar Gazette
No Lies – Just the TRUTH

“THE RAVE”

The patrons of Reds Bar were treated to the event of the fall when an unnamed dance troupe from out of town entered the bar last Saturday afternoon and put on their highly contagious and entertaining dance show. They were led by Jorge, a short and stout man, who had dance moves rarely seen in this part of the country. He was initially joined by an energetic group of dancers who went by the names of Rick, Jeff, Steve and Rici. What prompted this dancing was very unusual, as one after another, one of the troupe members would call Jorge’s phone and upon a certain signal from the phone begin their spontaneous dance moves. Each participant definitely had their own style, as was evidenced by Rick’s Northside Rap Dancing and Jorge’s country boogie. Their infectious style of dancing soon prompted many of the patrons to join in and these included Patti, Tina, Shane and Big Ben. News of this one of a kind event quickly spread and a traveling performing artist from Chicago, simply known as “CJ” arrived and put on his famous one man song and dance show to rave reviews from the crowd at hand. Jorge’s brother, Juan, was asked to participate, but he respectfully declined, as he knew he could not come close to any of the dance moves that his brother exhibited nor match his electricity with the crowd at hand. It was later learned that Juan was just the bus driver for this troupe and that his dance moves are somewhat lacking. It is very unfortunate that this was just a one time event as all of the dancers have now left town but it just goes to show you that fun and excitement can happen at Reds at any time.

STAY TUNED!

 
Issue No. 29
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Red’s Bar Gazette
No Lies – Just the TRUTH

Time for a few musings from the Gazette since we have not posted in quite a while. Congratulations go out to Max and Katie Moriarity for going through the initial cribbage tournament of the year without losing a game on their way to a championship victory. This is the first time this has happened in Red’s Bar cribbage history. As amazing as this may seem, something more amazing happened that same day. The three Wilson brothers, led by older Mark, middle brother Shane and little brother Matt also participated in the cribbage tournament. The three brothers all came in clean shaven but by the time the tournament ended that afternoon, all three brothers had longer and fuller beards that Von Richter who had been trying to grow a beard for the last three months.

On a sadder note, the competitive nature and win at all costs attitude of a well known Missoula bar owner reared its ugly head again at the Canyon River Golf Course. While participating in a friendly league contest, he took down golf etiquette to a new level. He was in a bunker on one of the holes and proceeded carefully to hit his next shot, his first shot failed to get out of the bunker, so did his second, and so did his third. Then, in a terrible rage, he viciously attacked the bunker with his club. Sand, dirt, rocks and dust could be seen coming out of the bunker from several fairways away. Ed Bezanson, the local pro, said it was the most despicable display he has witnessed in his thirty years of being a PGA Golf Professional. After further review, it was also a rules infraction for improperly grounding your club in the sand which the aforementioned bar owner failed to call on himself and therefore actually cheated on his score that he posted. SAD, SAD, SAD.

Of a similar nature, the bar manager of this bar, who has donated his spare time for several years coaching youth baseball showed a lack of tact at a recent Babe Ruth Baseball Tourney. He lost his temper at a recent game and was thrown out of the game for arguing strikes and balls with the umpire.

While these two work at a well known sports bar, maybe they should call it a “POOR SPORTS BAR”.

The Gazette would like to be the first statewide paper to go on record that not only are the wolves killing all the elk, apparently they are also eating all the fish. How else do you explain the lack of fish being caught by Pat Ricci, Macy, Von, Andy and Ray Robinson. It should be noted that Ray did out-fish a crippled girl who was on crutches at Rock Creek recently, when he caught one fish to her none.

Not to be pessimistic about the current state of affairs around us regarding the world as we now know it, but some ominous signs have showed up at Red’s recently. Big Ben could not finish his lunch at one setting. Even more startling, Ryan was seen giving food away a couple of weeks ago. Bondo was caught watching a soccer game. So and so bought a round of drinks. Rock was in the bar for an hour and a half without telling a lie. And finally Mo, went a whole day without getting into an argument.

On a positive note, Mo did atone for this indiscretion by instigating and getting into several arguments over the next several days.

STAY TUNED

 
Issue No. 28
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The Gazette would like to wish our loyal readers a Merry Christmas and a very prosperous New Year. With that being said, it is also the time of the year to look toward the less fortunate and try to make their holidays a little brighter. The Gazette has contacted many of the local charities and has been given some names and their personal wishes for the gifts they would like to receive. Here is the list that we have received.

Mike Helean: Some guts! He needs some guts to try to live up to the athletic boasts he has made over the last years and show up on the athletic field.

Von Richter: A Tim Tebow Blowup Doll! Von would like to have this doll to enjoy in the comforts of his own home rather than slobbering over Tebow in Reds during games.

Andy: A pair of long pants to keep him warm during the winter. Size unknown

Russ and Brian: Part time work! They are available Monday-Friday from noon to five.

Pat Ricci: Some clothes that won’t come off during football games.

Macy: A place where he can get some god-damn service.

George: A yellow upholstered bar stool so he can always find it the bar and limit walking on his bad foot.

Dewey and Ryan: Pet Wolves

Rock: A complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanica so he can awe us with more unbelievable facts and figures.

Sully: He would like a crow so he can eat it down at Reds in front of all the people he bet with on the Grizzly-Bobcat game.

Mo: An Opinion! You never know where he stands on any subject and he is reluctant to discuss it with anybody.

Happy Holidays

 
Issue No. 27
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After a long and difficult summer, the Gazette is back up and running. One of our senior editors retired from his day job and it took him quite a while to find his footing and he went through a long time where he suffered writers cramp and found nothing to write about, but times have changed. While this editor was covering the US Open Golf Tournament in Washington DC, his top assistant was severely attacked and beaten in Reds Bar by a well known assailant. The assailant, a well known 76 year old bully from Frenchtown, has been apprehended and is attending anger management classes for at least the second time in the last 10 years.

Here is a quick recap of the summer that took place at Reds.
Von played in at least 10 softball tournaments during the year but had no trophies to show for his effort. To his credit though, he was awarded the good sportsmanship trophy in several of these tournaments. He was seen tending bar in a wiffle ball, first place winning t-shirt, but upon investigation from a Gazette reporter, it was determined that his team took third and the winning team gave Von the shirt for putting on such a nice and fun tournament.

Vons brother, George however, continued his mastering of the golf links, by leading his team to the team title and winning the coveted MVP award for the second straight year in the prestigious Gazette Invitational Golf Tournament. One of the crime reporters for the Gazette is investigating George's handicap and we will report on this later in future issues of the Gazette. Mike Heleans Reds Bar golf team won the league championship at Canyon River for the second straight year also. If you know anybody besides Mike that plays on this team, please contact the Gazette office and let us know who these people might be, because we never see these people in Reds Bar. It seems that Heleans insatiable appetite to win at all costs seems to have no bounds. A new up and comer on the golf scene is a cigar salesman named Otis. After just one golf lesson from Mike Barnett, Otis led his team to a second place finish in the Butte Labor Golf Tournament. Due to his strict Catholic upbringing, Otis elected not to play the last day of the tournament to give other teams a chance to finish in the money. Nice gesture Otis!

One of our reporters went to see one of our long time readers who had been operated on last month and who was in the hospital. The attending physician came in and checked on the patient who only goes by the name of Moe and declared that Moe should be free of pain, and that in the future, we should see a kinder and gentler Moe We will keep the jury out on that for a while and see how things develop.

And finally, congratulations go out to Pat Ricci. Pat just passed a major milestone. This is the third straight year that Pat has not wrecked a train at Montana Rail Link. Kudos go out to Pat for his illustrious and colorful career as a railroad engineer.

STAY TUNED

Issue No. 26
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Cell Phone Ban
The Gazette is proposing that Red’s Bar become a cell phone free drinking establishment, like it used to be. Red’s was in the forefront of Missoula bars several years ago when they were one of the first to go non-smoking and they could be the first to introduce this new ban.

Remember the good old days when you went to Red’s after a long day at work, looking for a cold one and some uninterrupted lively conversation. You knew that you would not be disturbed and very few people knew where you were at, or at least you thought so. Usually, after a few beverages, a lively argument would break out and everyone would pitch in with their two cents worth, whether they were knowledgeable or not upon the subject at hand. Today, this is referred to as the “ROCHELEAU” rule.

Prior to cell phones and the internet, these arguments could go on for hours, and in many cases, for days and days. Many times these disputes would not be settled until Carmie, a former Red’s Bar bartender, would take time out from his busy schedule and go to the Missoula Public Library and spend hours researching old newspapers to come up with the appropriate answer.

Now, with cell phones, the answers are but a click away. The patrons get bored and go home and Red’s misses out on some valuable ring-up at the till. Also, several times in the last year, conversations with employees of Whalen Tire and Valley Landscaping have been needlessly interrupted by cell phone calls and text messages right in the middle of an important discussion.

And Finally, what happened to the lost art of bartending? When a cell phone call came in inquiring about the whereabouts of a patron the bartender unequivocally would have to state; he/she just left, I haven’t seen him/her or he/she hasn’t been in days.

Let’s get back to these good old days! SOON !!!!!!!
Stay Tuned

 
Issue No. 25
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"Cheatin’ Bar Owners"
One of our long time senior foreign correspondents for the Gazette just recently retired after spending over thirty years covering the action overseas and he was quite anxious to get back to Missoula, since he had been gone for a long, long time.

He decided to go to Red’s Bar to see if anything had changed over the years since his last visit. He was amazed to see that the bar had greatly expanded since his last visit and he equally amazed at the number of big screen TV’s and the vast array of football helmet memorabilia that was evidence throughout the bar. What he was pleased to see that had not changed was a stool available on “Dead Pecker Row”, and he quickly sat down. Within a few minutes he, he had made several new acquaintances with the patrons at “Dead Pecker Row”, and found the bartender, Von, to be a very likable fellow.

All the TV’s in the bar were turned on, but the sound was turned down, with the music from the sound system playing songs from the 60’s, 70’s & 80’s. Our correspondent found very enjoyable, since this was from his era of music. Quickly, a friendly contest broke out between the patrons of the bar and bartender. The contest was to see who could name the song and the band playing it. A good time was had by all, until a baldheaded gentleman came up from the basement and forced his way in to a seat on “Dead Pecker Row”. He inquired what they were doing, and immediately said that he was an expert on this type of music and wanted to play for a round of drinks. Our correspondent, who has bee in a bar or two in his day, quickly took him up on the offer. Within a few notes of the song playing, the baldheaded man blurted out The Hollies – Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress. Our correspondent was duly impressed and bought a round of drinks. Shortly thereafter, another bet took place, and Baldy took only two notes of the song, he blurted out Manfred Mann – Blinded by the Light. Several of the patrons were impressed, but our retired reporter noticed a hand held device that Baldy was trying to conceal and inquired about the device. Sure enough, this device showed the name of the song and the band playing the song. Then, our correspondent had a realization, this must be the same bar owner that the Gazette reported on last fall, who pushed and shoved grade school and high school students in his attempt to kick a field goal at a high school halftime show. Does this man have no shame, or does his hyper competiveness and will to win at all costs have no boundaries.

STAY TUNED!!!!!!!

 
Issue No. 24
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The fight of the century between Kevin (The Rock) Rocheleau and Fred (The Chisel) Chapman has been temporarily postponed. For those of you that are unfamiliar with these combatants, let us give you a brief bio on the two men.

The Rock is a former Sentinel High School basketball star who later played for the Montana Grizzlies basketball team. In some circles, he is regarded as the best point guard ever to put on a Grizzly uniform. He also excelled in football, track, softball, ping pong and is now one of the most authoritative figures regarding fishing and hunting in Western Montana. He is also a excellent cook (Betty Rocker)

The Chisel is a 75 year old, former donut salesman from Long Beach, CA, who now resides in Frenchtown, MT.

At the preliminary weigh-in, the usually verbose Rocheleau camp was extremely quiet when Rock weighed in at a puffy 213 pounds, citing the good food and beverages that were available in Ennis, MT., for his somewhat bloated condition. Chapman weighed in at a “Chiseled” 178 pounds, looking lean and extremely mean. In defense of the Rocheleau camp, traces of anabolic steroids and HGH were found in Chapman’s blood sample. The Chapman camp waved of those results, claiming they were some residue left over from some vitamins he took in France while training for the Tour de France last year.

For their excuses for postponing the bout, the Rocheleau camp claimed excessive time att work and a few minor cuts on his hands for the cancellation.

The Chapman camp remained adamant, simply stating, name the time and place and Fred will be there.

Both men sport excellent records: Rock is 2-0, with a win over a Hellgate kid in 1970 and a dispute over a Grizzly football player in 1972. Chapman is 123-17, with several AAU and Golden Glove titles from California. If Rock decides not to fight, the up and comer, Jason “The Train” Claussen has indicated he would like to step in.

Issue No. 23
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The Gazette took a long holiday break but is back with a few late breaking stories. The usually quiet and reserved, Mike Helean, is back at it again with another one of his outrageous boasts. He claims to be the first person in Montana ever to sin Karaoke and he may be right. Mike claims to have done this while playing football for the Grizzlies in the Mirage Bowl in Tokyo, Japan. The Grizzlies played Army on Nov. 17th, 1984 and were defeated by a score of 45-31. While there, Mike and a few of his fellow teammates ignored curfew and decided to go out on the town. After checking with our Tokyo correspondents, it was revealed that Mike did indeed enter a Japanese nightclub, after several cocktails, and did sing a song on a new technological device called Karaoke. You would have to check with Mike to see what song he sang.

By the way, during the game Grizzly fans were the first to introduce the “WAVE” to the Japanese public.

On another note, Dan Dosen, has been volunteering his time at the Detention Center teaching a math and financial course. Dan indicated at first he teaches inmates how to keep score bowling, before advancing on to the tougher courses of Algebra, Geometry, Trigonometry and Calculus. He also noted that most of the inmates took extreme interest in his advanced classes of money laundering and Ponzi schemes.

Speaking of volunteering, George and Ryan Richter, volunteered to take a senior citizen to Spokane for weekend of shopping, basketball, gambling, dancing and general horseplay. They thoroughly enjoyed their trip and left early Sunday morning so they would be able to take in all the pre-game hoopla surrounding the Super Bowl. After about fifteen minutes of leaving Spokane, the elder gentleman asked Ryan to pull over so he could use the restroom. George indicated that it would be a good time to gas up the vehicle. The older gentleman took an extremely long time in the restroom and when he returned to the truck he indicated that the proper target may not have received all of its intended items, and asked Ryan to drive to another convenience store as quickly as possible. Upon pulling up to the store, the older gentleman noticed a porta-potty in the parking lot, and said that it would be a perfect place to change his clothes. Upon departing his changing station the old fogey deposited his jeans into a dumpster that was nearby and got back into the truck. It soon came apparent, by the look on Ryan’s face, that a change of clothes wasn’t all that was needed to make a comfortable ride home for the occupants of the truck. Ryan was now directed to pull over to a rest stop, in the hope that something could be done to aid the affliction that now was bothering everyone. Unfortunately, that was not to be the case and the three men continued on their way to Missoula.

Upon entering Coeur d’Alene, the three men turned their attention to finding a truck stop in hopes of that a shower could be obtained for the very beleaguered elder man. None could be found, so it decided, by acclimation that the old man would rent a motel room so he could take a shower. After finding a suitable motel the old geezer went to the front desk to inquire about a room. The clerk took one look at his disheveled appearance, and his apparent odor and directed the old man to a competing motel down the street, that would be glad to take him in at a better price,

Upon depositing the older gentleman at next motel, the Richter’s left him to acquire an air freshener for the vehicle. After fifteen minutes, they returned to pick up their traveling companion and continued on their trip back to Missoula. The rest of the trip went smoothly from there, and when either of the occupants asked Ryan to pull over to a rest stop, he quickly did so! After six hours on the road, the threesome made it back to Red’s just as the kickoff for the Super Bowl was taking place,

STAY TUNED!!!!!!

Issue No. 22
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It is the time of the year to wish all of our loyal readers a Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year. Hope you enjoyed last year as much as the staff at the Gazette did covering the memorable folks at Red’s and all of our foibles. With that being said, it is time to put your beers, fireballs, bull-blasters and vodkas down and take a minute to think about those that are a little less fortunate, and what their needs may be in the coming year.

The Gazette has contacted several of the local charities in town and has come up with a list of less fortunate and what they would like for Christmas. We are asking all of the local patrons of Re’s to dig deep into their pockets and do what they can so these people might have a Christmas that they have only dreamed of before. Here is a list of the less fortunate and what they want for Christmas.

• Helean: size 10 ½ kicking shoe; right foot
• Von: DNA transplant from Wilson so he can grow a real beard
• Macy: Some goddamn service
• Otis: would like to meet the man Lucy called the sleaziest little man in the world so he can shake his hand and tell him thanks
• Adam: DNA transplant from Von so he can have some facial hair
• Schatzie: unlimited Fireballs
• George: The “Perfect little stool” with his name on it
• BC: some leisure time so he can do the things he wants to do
• Rock: The Truth
• Bondo: For Tiger Woods to have his best year ever, that is, on the golf course
• Dewey: A coaching staff at Sentinel that he can love and enjoy
• Willigan: More calls from “Ranger Rachel” and less from you know who
• Jason: a Lionel train set so he can pretend to be an engineer
• Ricci: a book :Spelling for Dummies”
• Dosen: a “Butte” holiday
• Pflugrad: an Offense

Merry Christmas from all of us at the Gazzette

Issue No. 21
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Speculation is rampant on who the anonymous buyer of Smurfit-Stone will be. The Gazette is pleased to announce that they are indeed the new buyer. With readership of the Gazette approaching the teens, we felt it necessary and time to expand. Many will ask how a small business like ours needs such a large facility such as this, but we have expanded tremendously in the last few years. Here is a directory of just some of our lead editors and the areas that they are responsible for.

Dewey: Hunting and flattop haircuts

Macy: Fishing and divorce court

Finnegan: Senior Citizens and Southern Idaho

Otis: Investigations and vertically challenged people

BC: Leisure activities

Runaway and Ricci: Railroads and train wrecks

Joan: Food and Cuisine and the Baltimore Colts

Ray: Packers and Braves and North Dakota activities

Wilson : Card playing and wedding receptions

Mo: Gambling and Great Falls storytelling

Schatzie: Education and Fireballs

George: Tires and transportation and Seeley Lake getaways

Von: Dodgers, Broncos and Softball Tournaments

Colin and Adam: Eastern Montana Social Events and Missoula night life

Sully: Editorial Page and Bar Betting

Roger: Crosswords and New York Yankees

Helean: Employment, High Jumping and Field Goal Kicking

Huggins: Little Grizzly Football

Burke: Finance and Livingston

Rhubarb: Maintenance

Petey: Landscaping, Home Buying and the Cowboys

Stubby: Computers and Bombinskis

CJ: Bears, Bulls, Cubs and Montana Jails

Bondo: Real Estate and Tiger Woods

Rocheleau: Fiction

Will: Military Protocol- Don’t Ask- Don’t Tell

As you can see, it takes a lot of people to man a newspaper like this and the added space will be greatly appreciated by our hard working staff.

 
Issue No. 20
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Much has been made of Jim O’Days e-mail over the last couple of days but Gazette readers will recall that we predicted a new Grizzly football schedule over a year ago. Fans seem to be upset that the Griz will no longer be able to host a playoff game under the new proposed conference affiliation. Nothing could be further from the truth. Well endowed Red’s Bar regulars have been out stroking corporate America and have come up with a tremendous solution.

In the upcoming years, U of M will annually host the “ RED’S BAR, VIAGRA, CIALIS, LEVITRA, DEAD PECKER ROW BOWL GAME”. The first opponent for the Griz will be the Gamecocks of South Carolina or any major college team coached by Dick Cox. Smiling Bob from Enzyte fame will eagerly greet all the fans as they enter the stadium. Excitement will build and build until the JIZZ, I mean the GRIZ, coming storming out of the SHAFT, I mean the tunnel, to their adoring GLANS, I mean fans.

Football clichés like stiff defense, potent offense, tight end, taking one for the team, sustained drive, and going long, will take on different meanings in this sure to be HARD fought game. Watch as the Griz, twist and SPERM, I mean twist and squirm, as they try to reach the POLE, I mean the goal, as they desperately try to score. As a salute to our veterans, all naval SEMEN, I mean seamen will be admitted free.

Monte Dolack has been commissioned to design the championship trophy and I will leave it up to your imagination what that will look like, but I am sure all of us would proudly display this piece in our living room as a very nice conversation piece. The rather long slogan for this game will be as follows: It takes a real man to be able to talk the talk, and walk the walk, when your double X jock, is full with a real stiff cock.

Pat M. and Pat R. contributed to this article.

 
Issue No. 19
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A reporter from the Gazette was covering the Big Sky football game last week and happened to witness one of the worst cases of sportsmanship that he has ever seen. It did not involve high school players or coaches but rather an overly ambitious, middle aged, former ex-Griz jock and bar owner that was trying to get in some much needed practice for a loud mouth bet that he had made the month before. Here is how the scenario played out…

In the middle of the first half, the PA announcer invited all interested parties to come down to the field at halftime and try to kick a field goal from twenty yards. The promotion was being put on by the Coca-Cola to raise money for the cheerleading squad of Big Sky. The fee being charged was one dollar and those making a successful kick were to be awarded the beverage of their choice from Coca-Cola.

As the gun for the first half went off, our reporter watched the aforementioned bar owner dart onto to the field, pushing and shoving high school and grade school students aside so he could be the first in line to try to kick a field goal.

This was not bad enough. Upon missing his first field goal, he brought out a wad of ones like he was going to Fred’s for a bachelor party and handed them to the pretty representative from Coke and stated that he was going to keep kicking until he finally made one. He kicked and kicked, and missed and missed, blaming his inaccuracy on the fact that he did not have a square toed kicking shoe.

Finally, the two teams came back onto to the field for the second half and the kicking stopped. The disgruntled faces on the high school students and the tears from some of the younger grade school students who were unable to kick, and have their fifteen seconds of fame only tells a small part of this sordid tragedy.

STAY TUNED!!!!!

Issue No. 18
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News Flash

While having lunch today, on July 29th, at Red’s Bar, one of our cub reporters overheard a very interesting statement. Mike Helean was rearranging some of the mementos behind the back bar and several of the clientele were discussing the contract that ex-Grizzly kicker Dan Carpenter had just signed with the Miami Dolphins. The clientele had decided that the contract that Carpenter signed had to be one of the most lucrative in Grizzly sports history and they all wished him well. Shortly thereafter, while standing on a ladder, the usually reserved, quiet and soft spoken Helean came forth again with another one of his ever more frequent athletic boasts. He loudly stated that if you gave him one of those squared toed kicking boots that he could easily kick a 45 yard field goal. The patrons at the bar were shocked by this outburst and raised their right hands in unison that this loud mouth bet must take place between Mike and any of the patrons that frequent his establishment. The Gazette let Mike off easy last year after he boldly stated that he could high jump five-foot-four but after some hush money changed hands the Gazette gladly backed off. But this persistence of Mr. Helean continually stating how good he is athletically, must come to a final conclusion. The Gazette and the patrons of the bar must force this issue and bring Mr. Helean to the playing field rather than the soapbox that he stands on at work.

STAY TUNED!!!!!

Issue No. 17
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Red’s Bar Gazette Golf Invitational
Once again, the Gazette is hosting a golf tournament to be held at the Missoula Country Club on Sunday, August 8 th. The first tee time is expected to be around 9:00 AM . Format will be the same as last year; we will count one gross score and one net score on each hole with each team consisting of an A, B, C and D player based on your current handicap. Those without a handicap will be assigned a not too generous handicap from the tournament committee. Drawing for teams will be held Saturday, August 7 th at Red’s Bar at 6.00 PM. and it will be a blind draw. Attendance is mandatory, as the $50.00 entry fee will be collected then and you will find out your team assignment. Gambling and drinking is expected and encouraged throughout this event and filmed highlights of the tournament will be shown at Red’s upon conclusion of play. Due to the popularity of this event, all participants must pass the (Red’s Bar Regulars Test) which will help weed out ringers and those not worthy of playing who are not regulars of this fine establishment. Here is an example of some of the questions you must be able to answer before qualifying for play. You will be asked to give the full name with correct spelling of the following people who go by the nicknames of: Doogie, Soup, Macy, Otis. CJ , BC , Petey, Tunes, Moe, Rock, Bondo, Stubby and Lying Steve. In addition, you must know the answers to the following questions: Mike Helean’s last year of playing football for the Griz, Finnegan’s age, number of brothers and sisters in the Shaffer family, what college did Jim Samson graduate from, and finally a trick question, because he doesn’t know the answer, how many years has Von worked at Red’s. Hope to see all of you there.

GAZETTE STAFF

Issue No. 16
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With the first of April right around the corner, the sports desk turns its attention to a very important manner. While the thought of who is going to win the Final Four is on some peoples mind, it is not what has caught the attention of the Gazette staff. Some people like Roger, Randy, Clark and Hayes are wondering whether the Yankees can buy another World Series. Others like Mo and Von are skeptical about Manny being Manny again this summer in LA. Ray, Sully and Wilson are hoping that their Brave phenom can live up to the hype. And the lovable losers, the Cubs, have their hapless fans like CJ, Will and Stubby believing that this is going to be their year.

But what is paramount on the minds of the readers of the Gazette is not the Final Four or Major League Baseball, but whether Schatzie can put any wood on the ball from any pitches thrown by Von Richter. Von has issued a Northside challenge to Schatzie that he won’t be able to handle any of his pitches. Von told Schatzie that you couldn’t hit me 25 years ago and you can’t hit me now! Schatzie took offense to Von’s remarks and told him to bring it on. Mike (Bringing the Heat) Helean also indicated that he could throw it by Schatzie and will be pitching also. While the Gazette must remain neutral in this contest, it has observed Schatzie recently at the batting cages and if the OOHS and AAHS coming from the bystanders when he is in the cage hitting are any indication, it looks like Von and Heat Helean could be in for rough outing.

Stay Tuned

 
Issue No. 15
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Olympic fever has taken over here at Missoula’s number one sports bar and drinking emporium. But, it is not speed skating, hockey, snowboarding or alpine skiing that has everyone so excited, it is CURLING, that’s right curling.

Von Richter, bar manager, has indicated that when curling comes on the TV, within five minutes, everyone in the bar is watching curling and trying to understand the game. Sensing a business opportunity, Mike Helean has directed George Richter and Pat Ricci, two of the most astute observers of the game, to offer curling clinics on rules, strategy, teamwork and history of the sport. George will conduct a men’s clinic this Friday afternoon at 4:00PM while Pat will direct the women’s clinic after the men’s at approximately 6:30PM. The Gazette has seen and heard part of the audio-visuals of these clinics and strongly recommends attending these worthwhile events. The clinics are free of charge but gratuities will be accepted.

On more curling news: an episode of the Simpson’s during the Olympics will show Marge and Homer representing the USA in curling. Also, in order to attract younger viewers, the Norway curling team has pants that come from the same company that dresses John Daly on the PGA tour.

More of a local nature, John Hoepfer has brought curling to Whitefish in the form of the Whitefish Curling Club. Due to limited ice time, the club meets each Saturday from 10:00PM to 1:00AM. The Gazette is currently looking in to the cost of a bus trip to Whitefish in the near future for a curling adventure.

And finally, plan on getting to Red’s early on both Friday and Saturday afternoons next week as the men and women’s finals for curling will be shown those days and Von cannot guarantee that his regulars will get their normal seats due to an expected capacity crowd.

 
Issue No. 14
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Excitement continues to build for the Red’s Bar Gazette bowling tournament this Saturday. The editor of the Gazette was on a late night conference call with Mike Helean and his long time rival, Eric Dawald , trying to arrange a grudge match between these two longtime combatants. As of press time, we are hopeful that these two will lead off the tournament in a one game, one time, winner take all format, while the rest of us can drink beer, choose sides and wager on our favorite athlete.

Speaking of wagering, who will out from the “Northside” as the best bowler? Will it be Von, George, Butch or some other ringer that Von has put on his team. Does Von have a plaque already engraved with his name and his teammates like he did in the golf tourney?

Will BC Reeves years of practice finally be rewarded with him standing on the award stand after this event?

Who will win the Livingston Cup when Pat Ricci and Scott Burke square off for that prestigious title?

Will Tara Mahoney beat Shane Wilson and put their engagement in danger?

What fingers will Stubby put in the ball?

Will Dosen’s years of hanging out at the YMCA in Butte with Bronco Manovich pay off with an impressive performance this Saturday afternoon?

Who will get the first strike or even more important, who will throw the first “GUTTER BALL”

SEE YOU SATURDAY

Issue No. 13
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An article on Facebook about Red’s Bar is very interesting. It says that if Red’s was “Cheers”, who would Norm be?

We at the Gazette would like to take it step further and poll our readers to find out who the entire cast of “Cheers” would be associated with Red’s Bar regulars, so here it goes.

Character Red’s Bar Regular

Sam Malone _________________________

Carla Tortelli _________________________

Norm Peterson _________________________

Cliff Clavin _________________________

Dr. Frasier Crane _________________________

Woody Boyd _________________________

Rebecca Howe _________________________

Diane Chambers _________________________

Dr. Lilith Sternin _________________________

'Coach' Pantusso _________________________

Nick Tortelli _________________________

Complete your roster and return it to the Gazette and we will post the results in a couple of weeks.

Stay Tuned

Please remit survey forms to Red's Bar 217 Ryman St. 59802

 
Issue No. 12
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We just received a request from a long time patron of Red’s regarding certain rules and regulations that should be established at the bar. We will print these only on the understanding that these are his thoughts and not the thoughts of the Red’s Bar owner or the managerial staff of the bar. Unfortunately, this person requests that he remain somewhat anonymous.

Rule #1-Men are not allowed to wear scarfs into the bar!
Red’s is a blue collar bar; it does not have plants, ferns, fish tanks or expensive art on the walls. If your wife or girlfriend bought you a scarf, wear it when you leave the house but leave it in your vehicle when you enter the bar. If you persist, you will be asked to go the James Bar where that kind of clothing is readily accepted and favored. Enough said!!!

Rule #2-Buy an alcoholic beverage before you even think to ask the bartender to change the channel to your favorite venue. Countless others have earned and drank their way to favorable status regarding what TV’s will show their favorite sporting event. Also, by disturbing the bartender, a high volume consumer, like myself, may not be properly serviced when I get thirsty.

Rule#3-Do not badmouth high school or college basketball in any way, shape or form. If I am watching a game, do not attempt to talk to me or divert my attention from the game, just buy me a drink and I will talk to you later if and when my team wins. If you are a high school basketball official, find some other place to drink, there is no place for you in here.

Rule#4-No excessive and loud cheering for your favorite football team will be tolerated unless it is for the Grizzlies or the Oakland Raiders. You Cleveland and Philly fans know who you are!
Go Raiders!!!!

Rule#5-Slow pitch softball will not be regarded as a sport!
It is just a summer activity for certain individuals that never made it past their junior varsity teams. Slow pitch or “TOOTIE BALL” is a nice summer diversion where one can drink and enjoy lots of beer. If you want a real sport, move up to Fast-Pitch Softball!

Thank You

Issue No. 11
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We were quite pleased to receive a letter to the editor today from a Mr. Pat Ricci. He tried to make to make some valid points about what had been published about him in past issues and tried to defend his character.

Unfortunately for Pat, all that he clarified, is that he totally destroys the English language and his level of spelling achievement is that of a third grader. The proof readers at the Gazette found nineteen different spelling or improper usages of tense in his rather brief rant to our paper. The only apology offered to Pat will be that the Livingston School District failed him in an attempt to educate him and that members of the Gazette staff would like to pitch in and help defray the costs of tuition to a remedial English class being offered this winter at the Vo-Tech.

As an aside Pat, we will be cheering for Chase Reynolds, not Chance on Friday night and when you get kicked out of the bar, you are either eighty-sixed from the bar or blackballed from the bar, not eight-balled as you have said in the past.

Good luck on your studies this winter.

The Gazette Staff

 
Issue No. 10
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We have received hundreds of letters to the editor to the Gazette from our thousands of readers and we would like to share some of these letters and the Gazette’s response to them.

Reader: Is it illegal to sit at “Dead Pecker Row” if you aren’t really that old and are still sexually active?

Gazette: The answer is yes and no. You may sit there at any time unless one of the longtime members of DPR comes into the bar. They each have their favorite seats and if you are in their seat, the bartender will respectively ask you to vacant their stool . These men are creatures of habit and we must not allow their routines to be interrupted.

Reader: Why isn’t Red’s more of a hockey bar?

Gazette: The answer is twofold. Pat Ricci is the first answer and this answer is self explanatory. The second answer is Missoula hockey fans have things mixed up how we operate here at Red’s. They come into the bar and order a Coke and a pitcher of peanuts. During the course of the game they will spend $1.00 on a Coke and eat $10.00 worth of peanuts. Any real good hockey fan will spend $20.00 to $30.00 on beer during the game and eat only a few peanuts. Until this scenario changes, Red’s will not be a hockey bar.

Reader: I have heard Kevin Rocheleau talk in the bar and he seems to have an inordinate amount of information on just about any subject. Is there any subject that he is not well versed in?

Gazette: Just last week, Kevin was espousing about the tremendous cuisine in New Orleans and the exquisite food that he had tasted there. Patti Reeves asked him if he knew any good recipes for snake that he might share and Kevin actually said and I quote “I don’t know”. The shock waves are still reverberating throughout Red’s Bar.

Stay Tuned

P.S--------------Congrats go out to Max and Katie! ! !

Issue No. 9
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Here is our second interview with Grizzly football coach Bob Hauck (notice the Bob now).

Gazette: Tell us your thoughts about potentially moving up to Division 1 football.

Hauck: It’s a done deal, why do you think I am still here? I have turned down several great jobs but have been promised by the administration that we are going to move up as soon as possible.

Gazette: How can you be so sure?

Hauck: Plans are already underway to expand the stadium on the West side with expanded seating and a much bigger press box. Along with expansion of the stadium comes an expansion in my salary.

Gazette: Could you be more specific or add more details.

Hauck: (Yelling) O’Day get your ass in my office. Tell the Gazette our football schedule for the 2012 season.

O’Day: Our schedule in 2012 will be as follows:

1st Game at University of Washington (money game)
2nd Game Appalachian State
3rd Game Carroll (who will move up to the Big Sky)

Conference games will be on a home and away basis and it will be an eight team league. The winner automatically qualifies for the Las Vegas Bowl. Conference members will be as follows: Colorado State, Idaho, WSU, Boise, Nevada, UNLV, Wyoming and Utah State.

Our final non-conference game will be the Bobcats. Washington St. will be forced out of the Pac-10 and either Utah or BYU will take their place. Our money games will rotate between U of W, Oregon, Oregon St. and Arizona St.

Gazette: Looks like a very tough schedule.

Hauck: We will be 9-3 easily.

Gazette: Good luck,you will need it.

Issue No. 8
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Due to the controversy surrounding the Kaimin and coach Bobby Hauck,the Gazette has moved up in seniority and has had unlimited access to coach Hauck. Following are some of the tidbits we received from the interview with the coach last week.

Gazette: Tell us about the fight your players got into last spring.

Hauck: I don’t like that fraternity, I tried to join when I was in school and they dinged me, wouldn’t let me join. I relayed this to the players after spring ball and some of my players took matters into their own hands. What was extremely disappointing to me and the rest of the team was that they only beat up one guy and it took two of them to do it. This does not bode well for Grizzly football, I thought they could get to at least six or seven of those Frat Rats, but they only got to one and were properly disciplined by me and the team.

Gazette: Why do you continue to rotate quarterbacks?

Hauck: Its simple, Roper is a drop-down player, if I can make him into a star player, fans and supporters of his former school will think that I am a great coach and consider me for their head coach position. Roper drops down, I move up! Same situation with Ochs and Swogger

Gazette: On a different note, both you and your brother go by the names of Bobby and Timmy, don’t you think you should go by the more manly names of Bob and Tim?

Hauck: This interview is F!%&*ING over!!!!

Gazette: Thank you for your time!

Issue No. 7
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The Gazette would like to come out and give their rankings for all pitch players who frequent Red’s Bar. Rankings are only an informed opinion and can change quite often as was the case over the long Labor Day weekend.
The initial Rankings were as follows:

1. Shane Wilson
2. Will Davis
3. Moe
4. Adam
5. Petey
6. Ray
7. Sully
8. MacIntyre
9. Roger
10. Finnegan

Others receiving votes, not necessarily in order were... BC, George, Clark, Novak, Donnie, Poitras and Ricci.

After this weekend,there is a huge shakeup in the rankings. Petey moves up to number one after his dominating performance on Sunday, Sully falls out of the top ten after his poor play and performance on Sunday. It was rumored that after Sully’s poor play on Sunday he was spotted at both the VFW and the Senior Citizens Center trying to start a high stake Bingo Game, in order to recoup some of his losses. Wilson fell hard from the number one spot due to his absence on Sunday when all of the major players were making their moves.
The new Top Ten are as follows:

1. Petey
2. Will
3. Moe
4. Novak
5. Clark
6. Ray
7. MacIntyre
8. Adam
9. Wilson
10. Finnegan

 
Issue No. 6
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Last month, Kevin (I am good at everything) Rocheleau was still basking in the glow from being on the winning team at the Red’s Bar Free Throw Shooting Tournament which was held last spring. Several of the participants and many of the fans of this event indicated that Rock may have gone over the free throw line on many of his attempts. Rock turned quite defensive and said there was no video of his attempts and therefore, his record stands. He also boasted that he is the best senior free throw shooter in this area and would take on all challengers. The Gazette would like to put on this contest in the near future. The rules of this contest will be as follows:

Participants must be 55 years old or older:

Each player will shoot 50 free throws, ten at a time
In the event of a tie, a sudden death shoot-off will determine the winner

Some of the people that have expressed considerable interest in this event are as follows:

Robin Selvig
Ben DeMers
John Thatcher, head basketball coach at Butte High
Blaine Taylor wanted to shoot but was eliminated due to age restriction
Larry Huggins
Bill Stansberry (the Gazettes early favorite to win the competition)

Any others that meet the criteria are welcome to enter.

To avoid any conflict, Lasertronics equipment will be used to determine if any of the participants cross over the free throw line and all of Kevin Rocheleau’s shot will be videotaped.

Stay Tuned...

Issue No. 5
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Special Edition
Horseshoe Championships
After a slow day at the sports desk,two of our cub reporters decided to take in the Montana State Horseshoe Championships at a Horseshoe Complex near the Larchmont Golf Course. Upon their arrival, it was indicated to them that there had been a late cancellation and they were invited to participate which they gladly accepted.

Once the Gazette team got the rust out of their system, it was evident to the
large crowd watching that this team was a force to be reckoned with. They did
not disappoint and the crowd who originally had been cheering for the Central-Montana championship team of Will Davis and Rex soon switched their allegiance over to the Gazette Team, consisting of Grandpa and Ringer Rick. The Gazette team took an early lead but the Central-Montana squad fought back and knotted the score at 13-13.

Due to impending darkness, both sides decided to end the contest with
the first team to 15 points being declared the winner. It looked bleak for the
Gazette team when Will Davis put two shoes right next to the stake for an
obvious two points and the championship. That is precisely when Ringer Rick
showed off his immense skills and concentration. Ringer had been bothered
throughout the competition by a bad leg so he adjusted his stance into an
unorthodox position and let fly with his last shoe. The roar from the crowd was
so loud after Ringer’s ringer that several golfers from Larchmont said
that the noise affected their swing.

The losing team was very gracious in defeat as they admitted that the best team had prevailed. Please congratulate these fine atheletes at your nearest convenience for winning this prestigious event.

Issue No. 4
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Mr. Hockey
Mr. Hockey, Pat Ricci came into Red’s last week and challenged the editor of the Gazette to a speed skating race to be held this winter. Our editor reluctantly accepted since he has not put on a pair of skates in over 45 years. After several cocktails, Mr. Ricci indicated that due to his tremendous safety record, his position in the union and his personal relationship with Dennis Washington that he plans to escort all interested parties to the High Altitude Speedskating Center in Butte on Mr. Washington’s personal train, ”The Silver Cloud”. Assisting him in this endeavour will be current employees of Rail Link, Dan Walker, Runaway Roy, Jason Claussen and retired railroaders; BC Reeves and Dave Arnold. An ample supply of food and adult beverages will be available on the way over and on the way back, courtesy of Mr. Washington and Pat Ricci.

Pat would like to hold this event approximately two weeks prior to the Winter Olympics, which are being held in Vancouver, British Columbia. He feels that once he wins this race, he will be able to offer training trips, advice and strategy to the many Olympians that will be training there. The length of the race will be 400 meters with two crossovers involved. This will be a hand timed event.

Stay Tuned!!!

 
Issue No. 3
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Freethrow Shooting Contest
The much talked about and somewhat delayed Red’s Bar free throw shooting contest will take place on Tuesday,April 21st at 6.00pm

The rules of the contest are:

3- Person Team
Members must be a regular of Red’s Bar (no ringers)
Von and Wilson will determine if team members are regular bar patrons
Each team will receive a total of 10 warm up shots
Each team member will shoot 20 free throws on a alternating basis of 5at a time
Total team shots made will determine the winner
In the event of a tie,players from each team will shoot 5 more free throws each on an alternating basis to determine the winner

Pat Moriarity will be the official scorekeeper
Entry fee is $5.00 per person or $15.00 per team

In the rare event of an air-ball, that person must contribute $5.00 extra to the pot for each air-ball.

Gambling, Drinking and Harassment with fellow competitors is expected and encouraged throughout this event

Payoffs will be 1st-place 70% of pot, 2nd place 30% of pot

Enter at Red’s Bar

Do not bring your own ball, we will play with the house ball

Good Luck

Issue No. 2
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Infectious Disease
It has come to my attention that two men may attempt to enter Red’s Bar after traveling extensively in Mexico. Both men are in their late fifties and have traveled to remote areas of the globe to search for fish and women. One man goes by the nickname of TUNES and the other by the name of NOVI. Both claim to have worked for Blackfoot Telephone but that is still unclear at the time of this writing. If they happen to enter the bar, immediately call the CDC (The Center for Disease Control) in Atlanta who have agents in Missoula waiting for their arrival. Do not accept any drinks from these gentleman, and in the rare event that they caught any fish, do not accept any food either. Also, it would be ill-advised to play any cards with NOVI until the CDC agents debug him and give him the green light to play.

Dr. Michael Helean
Infectious Disease Administrator

 
Issue No. 1
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Red’s Bar Golf Tournament
There seems to be some controversy surrounding the winners of the Red’s Bar Golf Tournament. We at the Gazette would like to clear things up a little bit. The winning team consisted of Connor Sproul, one of the best playing and teaching pros in the state, Chris Goble, whose handicap seems to go lower every time he plays, Von Richter, a baseball player masquerading as a golfer, and two novices to the game, Shane Wilson and Will Davis. They claim to have shot a spectacular round of ten under over nine holes and beat the second place teams by four shots. Here is where things start to get a little hazy. Each member of the team was required to take one of his tee shots over the nine holes. Members of this team could not completely agree or remember when all of their tee shots were taken. Connor, Chris and Von’s tee shot were verified but the shots of Wilson and Davis remain somewhat sketchy. Tournament officials, Dave Arnold and Jim Guest were extremely vigilant of all tee shots hit from the first tee. Also, it has been learned, that several members of this team played a practice round on the course prior to the tournament, which is in direct violation of tournament rules. Additionally, the use of alcohol, may have affected the play and memories of Mr. Wilson and Mr. Davis. It seems reasonable that the second place teams have a legitimate beef for the first place trophy.

Stay Tuned!!!!!

 
 
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Missoula's Sports Bar Since 1952 - Home of "Dead Pecker Row"
217 Ryman Street, Missoula, Montana 59802
Telephone1.406.728.9881   Fax 1.406.830.3190 Email Email
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EVENTS:
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Home217 Ryman Street
Missoula, Montana 59802
Telephone Telephone 1.406.728.9881
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